My Obscurities

I dare say the answer to the above question was a resounding no.  Alas, hope springs eternal.  Thank you Alexander Pope.  I now understand that somewhere, out there, someone will have a cookie (perhaps, two cookies, thus making the word plural) in their backpack.  It is possible..nay, probable, that they are nowhere near my kitchen at the moment but I digress.  My point is that someone is happier than I am due to the presence of cookies.  I loathe you, tasty dessert eater.  You have unleashed my wrath.  Good luck. 

I wish I had brownies in my messenger bag.  It’s just better that way.  Backpacks hold cookies, messenger bags hold brownies.  That way there is no foul transference of flavors.  If I had brownies in my messenger bag then I would have no need to write this blog.  I’d be eating them with a glass of milk.  Again, I digress.

Let me regale you with the reasoning behind appropriate dessert transportation.  Backpacks are made of a harsher material than messenger bags…typically.  If you really stop to consider this and then juxtapose that against the texture of cookies, you will see that the two mix quite well together.  Kind for kind.  Brownies, conversely, are squishier than both cookies and backpacks.  Again, juxtapose that against the texture of messenger bags and there you have it.  Transport your desserts in similar textured bags, people.  Dang, even Alton Brown would agree with that.  I’m shaking my head like I’ve just imparted incredible wisdom.

Because I have.

God bless!

Ah, sweet release.  The fluttering heart that beats within my chest cries out for the soulful sounds of ringing purchases.  Not really.  I just have nothing better to say.  Food City is not Sparta.  Not even close.  Walmart, on the other hand, is remarkably close.  We used to have a fathomless pit in the middle of the store (across from the fitting room) that held the remains of fallen free-thinking associates.  Once a morning, the management team would make us gather around as the list was read.  Those condemned to suffer the misfortunes of The Pit would file energetically to it’s massive edge and happily chuck themselves over the brim.  It seems as though the fate of said Pit was more easily accepted than spending one more moment listening to screaming banshees yell at us about customer service.  One in particular made it a point to tell us that we really ought to “take care of our customers” every hour on the hour.

Said manager is no longer at WalSparta.  She apparently found the otherside was full of vast riches and rewards.  They weren’t necessarily her’s to take but it is what it is.  At this point, I will switch movies metaphors, comparisons, and sundry other english tricks in order to provide a change of scenery and prevent bordem.  

Imagine, if you will, a dark Detroit street in the middle of winter.  This is Action Alley.  It’s snow filled and dangerous.  Customers are gang members packing shopping carts instead of Glock 9 millis.  Still, they are every bit as wolfish and harsh as any shadow cast figure you might meet.  There, amongst the hustle and bustle of an inner-cityesque shopping pavilion resides the antagonist of our story: the screaming Customer Service Banshee.  

Enter the protagonists: four employees who are too inherently quick witted to completely buy the tripe she’s selling.  The Banshee is far too manic in her admiration for a corporation to be sincere.  In fact, they feel it’s outright false.  A fallacy that, as it turns out, was created in order to hide her nefarious misdeeds from dull eyes.

Long story short: there’s a battle (point system enacted, tempers raged, sarcasm ensued, and people quit), a theft on the grand scale, and justice (HA!).

Sadly, in the movie (Four Brothers) the bad guy looses.  In this case, the thieving Banshee is given a slap on the wrist and sent along her way with a year’s worth of probation.  Hardly what I’d call fair.  Oh well.  I jumped into the pit with a grin on my face ages before she broke through her facade and stole from the WalDetroit.  That’s all well and good but I still harbor some resentment.

Had I known of her insidious intentions before I took the plunge…well, I would NOT have been content to just roll my eyes each time her voice sang out across the PA.  It was really irritating.  The kind of voice that chases you through dark, abysmal caverns in your dreams.  It was like nails grating on chalk boards.  I shudder to remember.  Those of us that have escaped still talk about her utterly annoying PA announcements.  

Ha!  What a day.  Huzzah for pointless blog entries!

God bless!

P.S. Food City is INFINTELY better.  No mandatory pit meetings or Detroit shopping alleys.

I’m posting the following in hopes that those reading might somehow be swayed to exhibit a modicum of respect while completing their holiday shopping.  Consider this a guideline on shopping etiquette.  It would behoove you to adhere to what you are about to read should you expect decency from your cashier, helpful associate, or bagger.  Trust me.  

1. Cashiers are NOT mind readers.  We do not deal tarot cards prior to your purchase and have NO IDEA what you expect of us short of ringing up your purchase.  

2. Refer to number one and then explain to us in a kindly manner AT THE BEGINNING of the transaction that you have multiple orders, etc.

3. Our position behind the register does NOT indicate a lesser societal status.  There is a good chance we’re smarter than you.  Do NOT give us cause to subtley slam your misconceptions into the ground.  You will NOT win.

4. Refer to number 3 before you assume that we will be doing this for the rest of our working lives.  Most of us are in school.  Those who are not in school deserve more respect than the rest of us.  Do NOT make them feel like half-tards because they are working in retail.  The financial situation in this country is dire and you could be next, fool.

5.  It is NOT our fault you have had a bad day, your significant other cheated on you with your best friend, your dog ran away, and you lost the only winning billion dollar lottery ticket in the world.  Truth be told, had you been nicer, we probably would have exhibited some sympathy toward your plight.  Leave it in the car, ok.

6.  Detailed instructions are appreciated but only if delivered prior to the end of transaction.  Nobody likes it when you have us unbag everything just so you can tell us where to place your grapes.  Seriously.  You are NOT Monk and if you are, you would have bagged the crap yourself. 

7. Your purchase does NOT begin until AFTER we have finished with the customer ahead of you.  Your status in this country is not such that it demands the retail world stop spinning until after you’ve completed your purchase.  Wait your ever loving turn, dude.

8. Refer to number 7 and do NOT cop an attitude because we ignore you.  Again, I reiterate, it is NOT YOUR TURN.

9. When we wish you a Merry Christmas, wish us one in return.  It’s just good manners.

10. When we ask you how you are doing, do NOT ignore us.  Refer to numbers 3 and 4 and answer our question.  Again, it’s just good manners.

11. When the end of the shift is approaching, we will be more distant than typical.  We want to go home to our families just as much as you do…if not more.  Please keep your aggravation to a bare minimum.  It is this precise moment that our tolerance levels will be maintaining slightly below zero.  It’s your funeral.  

and finally (for now)…

12. Refer to numbers 1 - 11 and remember that we are people.  When cut, we bleed.  When hurt, we cry.  When pissed off, we charge you extra and forget to void.  

Currently spinning: Four Brothers - a movie.  Huzzah!

God bless and Merry Christmas!

One more exam and a monthly budget and then the blissful nothingness of free time.  I fully intend on being ridiculously slothful and slovenly.  Well, slovenly might be pushing it.  I very rarely venture outside my house without makeup and perfectly coiffed hair.  I’m not vain, just respectful of other people.  Ha!  I don’t want to subject them to the jaded, purple eyed monster that is me without the appropriate amount of sleep.  I even cringe at myself during those moments.  I also have a tendency to be sharp tongued and quick with the sarcasm when I am exhausted.  I hope to correct that during my month of nothing.  Ah, sweet bliss…

Such is life, though, and one must suck it up if one wishes to have monies in the future.  I will work hard now and sleep later.  

I’m planning on seeing Valkyrie over the break.  There’s something about Tom Cruise playing a Nazi that is inherently believable.  I have no trouble buying his portrayal of a goose stepping, funny pants wearing, mean ass with a chip on his shoulder.  Anyone else feeling me?  Yeah…I thought so.  

Currently spinning: Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron and Wine

God bless!!

It has been a long time.  I feel as though I’ve been on extended vacation though I haven’t actually left Bristol.  I finished reading the Twilight series.  Utterly fabulous.  I cannot sing enough praises.  I’ve also been preparing for the end of Fall Semester ‘08.  It’s bittersweet.  In truth, it feels as though it flew by.  I have found myself wondering where my days, weeks, months have gone.  I’m suddenly terrified that I’m losing so many precious moments.  I can see my life passing by and, though I am enjoying every second, I feel that there are little things that are going unnoticed.  Like the color of snow and the visible points on points when it is too cold for them to melt immediately. 

Or the subtle shift in color - green to gold to red to orange to empty - as the leaves recreate their yearly waltz through the season.  The smell of the air when it’s way too early to logically be awake and the sun is just pulling itself above the horizon.  It’s almost like the sunlight has a scent.  It does.  It smells fresh and brand new.  

My love purchased a camera to give to me with Christmas wishes.  He knows how much I love to capture moments on film.  I can’t wait to use it.  I want to freeze the sun in the exact moment where the smell of new life is palpable.  A memory of how beautiful this world is.  I’ll have plenty of time to catch up after this week.  An entire month to run crazy screaming through sundry moments of free time.  Please, have no doubt that I will live life to the fullest during those precious moments.  I’ll post some pictures of my sojourn, too, so that you can live vicariously through my vision.  

That is my Christmas wish for whomever stumbles upon my blog: life, happiness, hope.  May God bless your lives with beauty. 

I will not be taking another blogging sabbatical anytime soon.

Currently spinning: Twilight - The Twilight Singers.

God Bless!